Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Robert Scoble - Stupidity is never an Obstacle

It's be-bop blog on a hard day's night. Name drop here, name drop there. I am the face of Microsoft. Oh on second thought, screw that damned cheapstakeish Microsoft, boring Podvideocasts are the way. Hey, Microsoft...let's set so double the killer delete select all. iPhone, iPhone, iPhone. Fishboooooooook. Fishbook. I have the MOST Fishbook friends like ever, like eat that. I rule da world, suckers.

An inside look. Meet the team. 2 hours and 37 minutes of Twatter brilliance. Watch it. I’m getting so many things pulling me in so many directions that it’s hard to spend 60 seconds just thinking about one thing and getting deep, as I’m always covering the latest shiny social object. You know, first it was Twatter. Then Jerkikuituuuu. Then Fishbook. Poownce. On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. The problem, though, is that even if I get really excited about it my email is demonstrating that most of the world won’t be listening and won’t care. Damn the world!

I am so super busy, day of [meetings], [dinners], [travels], [conferences] and [too much email]. I did this [geeky thing], I attended this [geeky conference] where I got a chance to [talk with] or [have dinner with] this [geeky company CEO], this is what [geeky thing] they are doing. It’s a new trend. I also talked with this other [geeky insider guy] who said this and that about this [person] and/or [geeky trend]. I should have the video up soon, more ScobleShow segments ahoy. Sorry about missing that [other geeky event]. My life is just impossible you know.

This [software], [hardware], [geeky company], [geeky trend] is [right], [wrong], [right but not blogging, which makes it wrong], or [wrong yet blogging but not blogging the right conversational way], [not really sure as I don’t have all facts, but I won’t let that stop me from commenting].

This [Advertising Agency], [Marketing Firm], [Sponsoring Company] doesn’t have a clue what [Hugh MacLeod], [Jason Calacanis], [Steve Gillmor], [Buzz] or [random geek celebrity of the moment] is doing, they will pay the price.

I told a Microsoft guy to buy Flippr!, but what did I get for my effort, an email with the words 'business value' written like 28 times...I guess he would have missed the internet, the personal computer and RSS feeds too. He just doesn't get it. And also if that's the kind of marketing we should expect for ZunedOut then WormyApple has nothing to worry about. Then I was off to dinner where I met the technical staff from Quixtar. Wonderful wonderful people, smart, interesting, full of ideas.

All your RSS base belong to us. Lots of people have been talking to me about Second Life. And how they don't get it. Morons. That's what people said about the personal computer and the internet too, and look where that's at. They just don't get it. Let's set so double delete select all. Well, I don't like SecondLife anymore since Patrick got kicked off and Beth Lalpagozza became a total total bitch.

Name drop here. Name drop there. Cute inside-joke about said name-dropped person. Heh. That was funny. Not sure you got it. But I tend to laugh at my own jokes. But hey I sure told off Ballmer about that gay rights thing, doncha member? Hey, it mattered! Blog power! Then: Microsoft is the greatest. Now: I hate them, hate, but not totally as they helped me lots and I like the people, but hate, they didn't pay me enough and Ballmer doesn't get gressroots and Vic like left and he never helped me much after I was hired. They never understood me, and they didn't pay me enough, I was getting offers for tons more all the time, I hate them, but I will blog how much I love them. Oh HDTV rocks, it will cure cancer, heal the sick, and make American's actually like soccer.

You know, I want smart readers only, please. You're fired. FIRED. GET LOST. Oh gosh, thousands have left. I thought I was dealing with people who have a respect for the truth. Obviously I was wrong. Hey, you, you are fired. You slimebag jerk. And doncha dare link to any non-credible journalists. I quoted the vice president of Waggener Edstrom. That's good enough for now. Your protestations don't mean a thing. You aren't even willing to tell us who you are. So why, again, should I listen to someone who is probably working for a competitor?
Robert Scoble in one paragraph: iPhone, Fishbook, Twat a Twattering, Blog blogs, blogs, crazy random temper tantrums (that 24 hours later render a grand apology), blogs, blogs, blogs, random outbursts, RSS is God, blogs, blogs, boycott journalists, blogs are all, yet another Dave Winer Stockholm Syndrome kick-in mode, gave this speech, attended this cool conference, did this cool geek thing, promoed my book, Ego, Ego, Ego, blogs, and more blogs, bad audio and shaky cam fun, wheee. Oh, and (would you believe?) yet more bloggers, iPhones and Fishbookers.
I decided to see how MSN and Google compared on these results. Blah blah blah. Oh Brandon, Oh Brandon, can you help me get Vista running on my Toshiba M200? I can't figure it out. I hate Microsoft now. And it's just so crashy. Pout. I find that free Wi-Fi in airports is way too rare. Russell praises new Scoblecrashphone 2.0. Normally I can't stand Russell, but he comes around ever so often. Hey, TechMunchaBunchaCrunch parties are becoming world famous, well to people who matter that is. Various companies are now offering me a chance to try out their equipment. More more more, wheee, return of the MVP freebie suck-up life. Hugh Macleod is pimping this now, he's making lots of money, see blogs work, advertising and brading and big agencies are doomed, it's all the blogs, baby. Just ask Hugh, he knows. Oh I just checked my wife's blog, I guess we are out of dishwasher soap. I will put in a Outlook note and sync it to my phone so I won't forget to stop by the store on the way home, plus my phone has GPS tracking, so I can load up this Seattle map app, and plot my course and avoid the heavy traffic and then I can read my RSS feeds if the line is too long. Digital lifestyle ahoy! And oh, Shelley Powers is a meanie.

Michael Irritanton is putting final preparations together for the ninth big massive Tech Peanut Carmel MunchaCrunch and Naked Contortions launch party. All sorts of Web 2.0 companies that won't be around in 3 weeks will be my sponsors. We need to hold more parties before they run out of cash.

What if, what if, we just tell Houston that there is no life on Mars? Then we just take it for ourselves! We, no listen! We can rule! I can be the king, Doc Searls can be the toilet fixer, Seth Godin and Esther Dyson can be the Spiritual Advisors and Dan Gillmor has passed out. And I am the train-simulated Dreamuserland NEC Tablet PC Microsoftish PodRetch Shaky Cam Podcaster, who is Fishbook KING.

Hello from the Wi-Fi hot tub. I'm not an edge case. No no. Oh, UserLand, where did my old blogs go a go? Hey, you, yes you, why don't you use a memetracker? You stupid or something? And oh Guy hasn't even discovered how to have conversations on the Web yet. He also stupid or something? Get with the program, Guy! Super funtime, uploading a buncha worthless crap to my feed. Enthusiast Blind Fanboys are in charge! And Seth Godin flips my funnel. Yay! Oh Google domains going after Outlook? MSN did that months ago, nah nah nah. Slashdot misrepresents facts. This meme heats up. Yo, Steven Sinofsky, check this out, yes you, you moron, get with the program! Congrats to Windows Live Local team, only 5 crashes per Demo. Russell, who doesn't have conversations anymore, likes this new phone (aka Scoblecrashphone 2.0) But I'm off to Europe, taking my podcasts. Plus got a nasty case of blog constipation. I'm taking the week off.

Back. Miss me? I knew you would. And would you believe? Still yet more weird and wacky problems with my blog. I'm getting emails saying "I only get a blank white page when I click on one of your permastinklinks". Yeah, yeah, I know. I am seeing that too. Blogs sure are buggy. And oh, publishers occassionally ask me whether they can send me books so that I can review them. Increasingly I'm turning them down, as I have never been able to get through an entire book ever. So sorry. Oh, I am seeing the MixedUp ads everywhere, well around campus, only $1,000 and $250 a night hotel, to share info with us, for us. Whatada deal, getta meet Bill Gates too. Come on, someone please be interested, help, I am part of the marketing team here, help me out, please, pretty pretty please. Doncha Web 2.0 start-ups have any money to burn? Burn it here. Well, ok, free tickets for Mashup Band Camper's. We have to have SOMEONE attend. Bleech, I hate Microsoft now.

I'm sitting in the Blahlago with a bunch of geeks watching a video feed at CES, doing a minute by minute report, well was, it went down, try again, oh fudge, oh back up, just in time for Gate's to talk about future home holographic desks, wow that's so cool, I want one. Also heck out this new Emergency Code 9 video, sorry about the audio quality and the poor video, these things (always) happen. Hey, I am doing this on the cheap. Microsoft doesn't give me enough money for me to bother doing quality work. Check out my dark blurry pics shot from my new pooooooopppper scoooooooooppper phone. Oh, Pittsburgh is having a steel hangover. I never really get outta the Silicon Valley and Seattle jet-set corridor, but gosh, this rest of America is halfway interesting, who would thought, but like hardly any cool geek stuff, but they have this great coffee place, no free Wi-Fi however. Pout. When is the rest of America gonna get it? I keep sending out clues. Stupid hicks.

No full-text feeds? That's downright EVIL INCARNATE. Partial feeds suck losers dry. If you wanna fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. And errrr, NewsGator says I have tons of subscribers. None of them for you. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. I'm not going to be your slave today. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. No sirreeeeeeeee. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. I am the most popular blogger around, you can't play with me. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. I wanta shoot someone. The only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.

We gave another one of our "Naked Confabulations" talks, it bombed. So sorry, but the Geeky Dinner went over well. Funny joke overheard: "Ozzie Wuzzy was a blogger, Ozzie Wuzzy had no flair. Ozzie Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy. Was he?"

Oh, I'm in an pissy, mean and ornery mood. Blame it on the jetlag. Blame it on this new build of Vista that's crashing all the time, like all. Blame it on this buggy WordPress software. Blame it on the Merlot. Blame it on the lack of sleep. Blame it on my poor showing at those Conferences. Blame it on the trolls. Gotta blame it on something. Blame it on the rain that was falling, blame it on the stars that did shine at night, whatever you do don't put the blame on you. Blame it on the rain yeah yeah. You can blame it on the rain.

Oh turns out there are lots of people complaining about my RSS feed. But yes, I took a stand, yeah. Yes I did. Don't you understand? Tap tap, this thing on? Check one, two, three, check, check. Contraditions, truth-fudging, PR spin? No matter. I like this disruption game a lot! And, yes, we haven't heard the last of the disruptions. Not by a long shot. The game is just getting started and will be going for years. I'm a man without conviction, I'm a man who doesn't know how to sell a contradiction, you come and go, you come and go. Clone the Google API! Oh I am taking the next week off, 25 posts later that is. Disruption! Mashup! Web 2.0!
I didn't get invited to FOOLS Camp this year, (private wail to 250 people on IM). But I will say nice things about Tim on my blog, saying what an honor it was to be invited last year. But he better darn well invite me next time, else I will hold my own Geek Barf Camp and not invite him, that will show him. How dare he? Just who does he think he is? Oh my comments are acting up. I still believe in the power of the blogs, just if you agree with me. Gobbels of the world not welcomed. Mudpit. Disagree = Troll. Oh pardon me, my comment system is down again. Disruption! Mashup! Web 2.0! I love the smell of startups! Blogs are truth and salvation all in one. Search engine rant, long-winded blather over Technorati vs. Google and then Google vs. Yahoo. MSN vs. Sphere/Exalead/Yahoo/Google and Google API/Feedster/Icerocket/Gabba Goo Bee Gabba/Technorati/Rice o' Roni. Web 2.0 me baby, yeah, dat's the ticket. Never met a startup I didn't like. Poster boy for the new useless Microsoft. PDC 2003 - The World Will Never Be the Same, fast-forward to 2005, well it's not such a big deal anyways. 2006: Good-bye fuckers, see yah Microsoft. Disruption!
Ah hey mah mah mah
Life in a northern town
Ah hey mah mah mah
All the work shut down
Hey, Microsoft give me M&A money, buy a bag of blogs with the money we've got. Back at base, sparks in the software. Oh, Shel Israel and I have apologized for our speech at Dis and Dats Blogs. Yeah, we sucked. It's my fault too, since I was driving that. I thought it would come out better than it did, but then it never does. I should learn. Thankfully these conferences aren't about the speeches. Blogs are conversations though. But Jeremy Wright says no, it isn't a real conversation, rather more like leaving post-its on a bulletin board. Well, yeah, but my 'volume on 11' megaphone starts conversations. I guarantee you that. Oh gotta jet to Seattle Mind Cramp, see you there. I hate Microsoft now.

It's very strange being in London and Paris, reading Dave, having dinner with all these VIP bloggers, it's like I have a front-row seat for all the cool dramas on the blogs and I ain't giving up. Name drop here, name drop there. Name drop here, name drop there. Disruption! What an honor to speak to this audience. What a city! More on that later. I was off of the Internet all weekend, I think I developed hives.
I'm just a man who needed a blog, to keep me alive - just keep me alive. I'm just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control. I want to thank you very much, for helping me escape, just when I needed to. Thank you. Thank you. I want to thank you, please. The problem's plain to see: too much technology.
Tripods, focus and good audio? Blah, that's not human enough, and video editing is for evil marketing people who don't get blogs. I am human, oh People of the Earth, I talk in a Human Voice. You just don't get it. I can't wait for the Das Blogs conference. Why do I enjoy blogger dinners so much? Because you can really get to know people and their ideas better, never mind the actual blogs. "Ear-Bleeding Belly Laugh", patent pending. Why do Hot Blogs branded Blogs take only a minute to post? Because the average blogger has only a minute and a half to read. Hot Blogs! Know what comes between me and my Bloggins'? Nothing. Yikes. Sometimes I just do something very stupid, well it's starting to become a trend. Hey, keep it quiet Goebbels, I know you think I'm stupid on every post. But, this time I overdid myself.

You might not know this, but Chris Pirillo (soon to be divorced again) RAVES about this or that. I am so giddy for the next GNOTHINGDEX. Oh, I got several complaints this morning that five days of posts are just gone. And my time stamps are all screwed up and my comment system is really acting up again. Fun! Not. Sigh. Oh, btw, I hate Microsoft now.

Buzz Bruggeman just got back from FlopTech! and said this start-up is too cool. Will check out. Disruption! In my blog book I realized I had written out at least 50 people at Microsoft who made a huge contribution to Emergency Code Nine. I tend to hog the limelight, giving back on my blog only when the coast is clear.

My advice? Stick with the orange XML icon. Why? It sticks out. Disruption! I got several more complaints this morning that five days of posts are just gone. How many of you are seeing that behavior? This person, founder of YetMoreWebPictures emailed me earlier today to tell me about his new Flickr-killer photo service.

Hey, this MVP religiously zealotish quite-insane fanboy, totally loves our new offering. [link] Whatsthematter with the rest of you (morons), anyways? Always so cynical. Be happy. A good mood impacts your thinking ability, you know.

The word-of-mouth network around the world is so efficient now that you can't win if you don't bloooooog. Wait! Hold that thought. Hey that reporter LOOKED at me wrong, I don't like his TONE. He looks shifty. What? Did you catch that? I think he snarled at ME. I don't get that type of humor, but I think they are making FUN of me. I demand ACTION and a RETRACTION! I never wrote that, I never said that, those are not my words. And that's NOT what I meant. Well if I meant that then, here's what I mean now or here's what I have been instructed (by my cage handlers) to now mean or think. Poor poor pitiful me. Oh these journalists won't let me be. Lord have mercy on me. Woe woe is me. Scream, wail, pout, rant. Must get even, send in the dogs, then claim plausible deniability. Your credibility is pretty low with me. EVIL journalists. Don't journalists ever correct themselves? I used to be a journalist, I know how to do it right, well techincally I only really ever took classes, which is where I met Woz. I stalked him in the parking lot. Yes, I know Woz. He invited me to his Super Bowl party, I know his cell phone number. And you don't, nah nah nah. I am powerful you know. It's the new human face of Microsoft. Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hype. Well, I was...Microsoft couldn't see fit to pay me what I was worth. Damn them all to hell.

These folks are raving about this new new new thing, it is a new new new Search Engine thing. Very interesting this new new new thing. A couple of Stanford dropouts started it. The next new new new Google? I am in a house on Sand Hill Road in Silicon Valley. I love the smell of startups! Reminds me of when the Microsoft toilets clog up, gotta save that water you know. Disruption! But they took away our TOWELS. World at end. Idealistic Valley liberalish-tripe feel-good comment here. Idealistic Microsoft liberalish-tripe feel-good comment here. New, new, new thing! Oh would you believe, my comment system is down again. There's so much to say. Run a bunch of stuff by tags. Tags are power. Good search engine. Found things like air shows, cheap wine, scrapbooking sites. I can't wait for the next Dis and Dats Blogs conference. Steve Gillmor and I snuck away after the dinner to a local diner where we stayed until well into the night. I finally got what he has been trying to tell us all, that or maybe it was just the Merlot. Interesting traffic analysis of various sites when it comes to links about scrapbooking. Just shows that it's not the quantity of audience that matters, it's the quality. When numbers low, claim quality. When numbers high, claim it's gone mainstream. You can never lose. Oh my comment system is taking a much needed rest again, back up shortly I hope, these things happen. Hey that reporter didn't wave to me. I will show him.

Disruption! Mashup! Web 2.0! Sometimes you need to fire a reader. You're fired. Microsoft just doesn't get influentials. Disruption! Mashup! Web 2.0! Disruption! Disruption! Steve Gillmor says this or that, but Microsoft's not getting the hint. Disruption! Disruption! Gosh Europe sucks, no WiFi like in all the San Fran Starwarsbucks. Let's set so double the killer delete select all. Oh, btw, Peter Moore, Major Nelson and John Porcaro said a shipment of around three Xbox 360s has come in...see people, have patience, replenishment is happening. Oh, we gave another one of our "Naked Confabulations" talks, it bombed. Speaking of bombing...

Big issue of day, I'm staying out of this one, but here's ten gallons of fuel and some matches. Michael Gartenberg has been reading our new book and is liking what we wrote, err rather what they wrote. Small army of analysts out there, I but always link to Joe and Mike, wink wink, nudge, nudge. I am not really a gamer but Xbox rocks dah world. Xbox 360 will rule the earth, bring peace and joy to all mankind. [One week later, ummm never mind.] This other thing that this Microsoft group does is really interesting but I am NOT going to link to them, they haven't opened up to the Emergency Code 9 cameras. Don't they know how to communicate in a human way to the people of the Earth? We gave yet another one of our "Naked Confabulations" talks, it bombed. They have to earn my link. I am the new face of the new new new Microsoft, so there. Name drop here, name drop there. Name drop here, name drop there. Sometimes you need to fire a reader. You're fired. FIRED. Name drop here, name drop there. Anyway, just some random stuff I'm thinking about at 3:02 a.m. Oh btw, I hate Microsoft now, they just don't get it.

Friday night and I need a fight
Handful of memes feels right
But what I need to get me tight are
Blogs, Blogs, Blogs...